第十章、调笑(3)

57.

The next day he tells me that he feels nice to share my happy day on beach with me-a charming boy, who can attract almost all the girls including some ugly witches in the world, how dangerous it is! Now he is a bit worried about me-a fantasy far away from him. I am the one who maybe flies to others before he finally could capture me. He wants me to promise that I should never mention the girls anyway, or else he might have a slight reaction towards that because it's the same excuse his former bf told him when he "realize" he should calm down for a so-called marriage with a girl. So, he hopes me to stop this kind of joking, or he will cry out next time.

Now he understands my perfect cook skill, that's exciting. He can eat a lot when I become his private cook as well as his unique bf, xixi. Now I know some excellent overseas students as I go out during my one-day stay on beach. He thinks that maybe I will find the same people as myself. He does hope there will be no disturbing phone calls or mails sent by those girls who wanna chase me, maybe some boys will give me such invitations too. He wonders why he always dreams of those ridiculous things that will never happen. He doesn't know the exact reason. Maybe it is because he is too concerned about me, too sensitive about love, too scared about being hurt by others once more, too confused as a mess, he just can not help thinking in this way, he please my forgiveness.

In the net bar there are CDs played on the computer, with clear melodies and moving lyrics, like a person telling others his own story. He often throws himself into the dreamland composed by those songs, to have a small bite of life in art. He wants to know whether I will consider a marriage with a girl in future, to have a baby to call me father, could I stand upright with all the burdens from both society and my family? That's the serious questions we have to discuss. Maybe that is too early to say that now. He knows there is a span between us. But now he can absorb all the power I send from the other side of the ocean to him, encouraging him to stand up from the past sad experience, informing him of his own virtue, and he does know the next step to go for his life.


58.

I do, I do hear the beating of his heart. I know how nervous he is. In fact, I feel nervous when those girls speak with me, too. But he could put at least half of his heart into his body. As I ever tell him, I will never, never want to marry a girl, I do not want to bring unhappiness to another one. As to the children, to tell the truth, I like them, but if he likes, in future we can adopt one orphan, or clone another me and another him, and let them become spouses in our after-life. But I can not promise that, maybe they only look like us in appearance, not sharing the same sex orientation as us, so let them develop by their own will, just like us, they have their own rights to pursue their happiness. I can feel his anxiety about me, he is worried that another one will go into my life and substitute his position in my mind. But he should know that there are more Chinese girls and boys around him, so according to the ratio, it is I not he should be more worried.

Just as he ever wrote in one of his emails, as long as we can give each other a fixed position in our mind, we can conquer any difficulties in our lives. The real life is just like the sea, sometimes it is calm and even a small boat can across it, but on most occasions it is treacherous, need both of our efforts to overcome it. That is life, we are just at the start-line, there are so many uncertainties ahead, maybe in future we will quarrel or even fight, just like my parents. But although they never receive good education, they do know how to make up for it. If he feels unhappy to what I said in the last email, I wish I can take it back, it is not what I expect. And I promise that I will never play such kind of jokes again, I really do not want him to feel so unhappy.

He is right, there are many good or even excellent Chinese students in North America, but he should know that it is not every one that can become my lover. He is researching the Marriage Law in China, so he should know this point more clearly than I can. I am the kind of conservative and cautious boy, I take actions after I make a second thought. I do not want to conceal that I do ever send some e-mails to those guys in US. At first they are at the same start line to me, but now, he is different, I take him as my bf, my lover. As to others they are just my common friends standing at different lines in my heart. I think he does not object that I make some friends here. To few of them, I even tell them that I am falling in love with a guy in China, and I want their advice, below is one answering letter:

"I am so glad to know you fall in love with somebody. Well, follow the feeling of your heart, do whatever you have to do. Be reasonable, be unreasonable, be crazy, be sane, be insane, be happy, be sad, taste the taste of your first love. It is a must of life, make it as beautiful as possible.

The case will be different for me because I want to be staying together with my lover. I will be practical, so I will find a bf that I can reach. I am too lonely. I need someone to console my heart. In fact, you even can find someone in your school, I think in your school there may be even some gay website. So you don't have to find someone from China. I think one thing we share is that we both need simple life. I don't think I will date many guys. I will find one love, it will be done."

We all know we should mainly depend on our own efforts to conquer any difficulties, but we should have the patience to listen to the suggestion made by our friends. They are stands-by, they are more objective and not like us that is easy to be cheated by the passion or some subjective effects. We should always keep the right direction while we are moving ahead.

I think maybe he does not know the grade of TOEFL is effective only within two years and the GRE is within five years, therefore, he should make a decision to the order of taking the tests. Another thing that I have to remind him is that the GRE has taken the computerized test form, the test takers have to finish the test on computer. Each time you can only find one question on the screen of the computer. You have to make a choice and can not skip any one, you have no chance to come back to re-correct or go over your answers, only after you answer the former question and confirm it, the next one will come. What's more, the difficult coefficient of the questions varies with the correctness ratio of your response. Even you take the test at the same day, you will face different questions with those in the same room. As planned, the TOEFL test will take the computerized form from this year, but for some objective reasons, it is put off. I suggest that he had better take the paper-based TOEFL test instead of the computerized one. The reason is simple, to most Chinese students, we are familiar with the common paper-based test and never take such kind of computerized test before, so it is possible to make us feel nervous when we have to do the test in front of the computer. I ever have such kind of experience. I take the GRE test in the late 1999, I just miss the last paper-based GRE test in China in that August. At that time, only 9 cities can host the computerized GRE test, the nearest one from me is Xi ’an. I make several mistakes about my trip: the first one is the test date, I choose the date just ahead of Christmas day, it is very noisy in the campus; the second mistake is I choose the wrong place to live, I live in a dorm, there are only four students, but at night they are much more active(I think he knows the reason). What's more, the snore of one is the loudest I ever heard, I can not sleep well before the test, almost never close my eyes. So you can know the result, I did not perform the best way that I can. After I go out of the test room, I vomit in the street. I had thought to take the test again, so I go to the bookstore for several more GRE books. But I have no chance to use those books now, I am lucky, and am accepted by one school. Although the school is not so well, but going out is the first step. I always believe that everything ends well is well. But now, maybe he can use those books that I never have the chance to use, everything is arranged by the God. Another Christmas Eve is just around the corner, I wish he could enjoy his happiness with his classmates together, and do not forget toast for our future at the same time.


59.

读了你的信，想了很多问题。午睡时间十分安静，虽然多少有些倦意，但活跃的思维却使我变得异常清醒，感觉就像在做梦。

我觉得你在信中所讲的真得很有道理，这不是我可以用语言来表达的。其 实，人们在享受甜蜜爱情的同时，也在潜意识中生出许多忧虑。在我看来 ，那并不是杞人忧天式的无稽之谈，而是人的理性在起作用，就像你周围 的朋友在他信中所说的那样：“I will be practical, so I will find a bf that I can reach. I am too lonely, I need someone to console my heart. In fact you even can find someone in your school, I think in your school there may be even some gay website. So you don't have to find someone from China. ”

是的，他的建议也是我一直在考虑的。在他看来，我们之间多了一份浪漫 却少了一份理智，他宁愿选择更贴近于自己的生活。于是，我想时常问自 己：为什么Leo会选择我呢？是因为我有某 些他喜欢的东西吗？他究竟喜欢我哪一点呢？现在，我说不出答案，或许 答案只有在将来才会变得清楚起来。你说的对，我们前面还有很长的一段 路要走。至少，我们有很多共同点，都是很诚实的人，都有自己的理想并 为之努力……我想，即使将来没有什么结果，生命中的这段经历也是十分 珍贵的。呵呵，这么沉重的话题呀，不要再想了。

你说的关于孩子的问题，哈，很好玩儿呢。像你这样的留美人士，收养一 个绝对是No Problem的。无论是在国内还是 在国外，法律都是大开绿灯。今天晚上同学请我去吃KFC 大餐，一肚子的鸡，嘻嘻，现在还在打着饱嗝呢。与同学聊一聊，也觉得 收获不小，每个人都有自己的故事，在倾听别人的过程中我也读懂了自己 。有时，作一个听者，感觉也是不错的。

对TOEFL和GRE 的问题，我以前已经基本了解，现在只是重新拾起来考虑一下儿。朋友们 的建议的确很有帮助，当我和老板谈起将来出国发展的问题时，他说：“ 不要以自己的短处去比别人的长处”。言外之意就是以我现在的专业看来 ，到国外去有点行不通，重新再选择一次的难度过大，不像学理工科的， 除了英语之外还有一门通用的技术。所以，他建议我先在国内拿下博士学 位，以后不妨以访问学者的身份寻找出去的机会。我想了想，可能有些道 理吧。毕竟，文科学生出国的困难较理工科的学生要大一些，但我和他有 所不同。我还年轻，有许多时间可以利用，我宁愿去试一试，这样的人生 会变得更丰富。你说对吗？眼下，我的大体安排是这样的：一边学习英语 ，一边在律所里锻炼，一边准备毕业论文。只要计划科学得当，应该有收 获的。至于让咱爸咱妈寄书的事，还是要看他们是否方便。不然，他们会 问：“要我们给谁寄书呀？”这时，你怎么回答呢？“给我的男朋友寄的 ！！！”哈哈，希望他们听完后不会晕倒哦，开玩笑。不过，能看着你曾 经用过的书，我想笨人(本人) 的灵性一定会大增的。

其实，自从认识了你以后，我变得冷静的多，也理智的多了。在我和以前 的朋友刚刚分手的那段日子里，我大部分时间都在聊天室里麻醉自己，与 很多无聊的人调侃，像是在吸食精神鸦片，一副无所事事的样子。当时的 我，一点儿也找不回从前的影子，从前那个好学上进的我不知道哪里去了 ，连自己都感到无能为力。好在我有自己的原则，虽然在网上放肆，却从 不会在现实中放纵自己，也不喜欢随便去见人。当然，也认识了一些不错 的朋友，他们在我最失落的时候给了我很多鼓励和勇气，使我有信心去面 对新生活。可我明白友谊和爱的差异，我想要的是一种可以依靠的爱情， 一份真实的感觉。在这个时候，我发现了你。现在，因为有了目标，知道 自己下一步要做什么，发现了新的起跑线，我要努力了，希望一直会保持 这种状态。不过，这全要感谢你啦。

写得挺乱的，就先到这儿吧，以后再讲一些故事给你听。

祝心情好!


60.

The next day when I read his letter I find a symbol of a smiling face on the mail subject. This is the second time that I see his smiling face, the first one is his photo, which is more concrete, but this time it is more abstract, only three signs can represent it, what a clever boy he is.

He is right, maybe during the past several months we both live in the dream, full of illusion and passion. Now it is time to take a look back and think about our future. But no matter how, I still miss the past months, which brings me good feeling, sometimes we do not have to find the answer to everything, love is just a kind of feeling, once we lose the feeling, maybe it is time that the love will die. So do not have to ask so many questions why we love, which aspect of me that attract my lover, sometimes being obscure is a kind of beauty. When you see something too clearly, it will lose the mystery, maybe it can not attract you anymore. Of course, we can not always live in the imaginary world, we need time to test the stability of our love. Please do not feel afraid, I think it does not need too long, one year is enough, if one year later, just before the next eve of the Christmas, if I still can say affectionately that I love him, then I think it is more stable and more reliable. We need passion to ignite the torch of love and need our own efforts to maintain it.

Now I think it is time for us to move from passion to sensibility, I do not regret what I have said and what I have done in the past several months, and I will still go in this direction to pursue my happiness. To make us have much more time for thinking and for studying, I think we should reduce the frequency of sending e-mails. How about every another day, he can receive my letter on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (Beijing time). Although the first week is difficult to endure if I can not read his mail every day, but sometimes we have to learn to endure, I really do not want him to go to net bar every day. It is not because of the money, although in the previous email I ever am afraid that he will go bankrupt for it. We both need to finish our study first, and for the good future no matter it is in economy or emotion, we have to sacrifice something for it.

Compared with the preparation for the tests of GRE and TOEFL, I remember I ever tell him that passing the lawyer qualification test is more important to him now. So I support his decision to practice in the law firm first, accumulating more experience, which is more beneficial than the knowledge he learns from the textbook. Of course, I will not set myself free, I will use this holiday to prepare for the TSE test and read some paper for my research. I wish I could graduate as early as possible.



(to be continued)