第六章、阿甘

39.

I do know his feelings now. Well he is right. It is difficult to get the financial aid if he still chooses law as his major. And as we all know if Chinese students can not get financial aid from the American school it is difficult for them to make a living here. The tuition fee here is about $15000-25000 per year, and the living expenditure is about another $10000.On the other hand as the future lawyer there is a high requirement to the spoken English, maybe that is the most difficult to Chinese students. I still can not speak well, although I spend much time on TV, movie, what's more, my department requires me to take the test of spoken English, because they only want to give me TA next semester. But it does not mean he cannot get the scholarship or fellowship. I know a Chinese guy here who has his own law agency, and he hires himself to be the lawyer. So he still has hope. Another choice is to change the major. The possible choice is computer, English, or education, and so on. Before I come here, when I feel depressed, I seldom talk it with others and I never go to the chat-room, I have my own way to solve it. Generally speaking, I do something that I really like, such as playing basketball, reading the newspaper or magazine or something like that. But to tell the truth, I cannot control myself well since I come here, especially in the first month, now I feel better. When I do something I always underestimate myself but I will try myself to do it, so if the result is better than my imagination, I think it is natural, if it is not so well, I still can accept it. As long as you ever try your best, that is enough.

In fact I never think I can go abroad, I just try, try preparing for the test, try connecting with the school, and in the end I am lucky I succeed. Of course I ever want maybe I will fail, but I always comfort myself, it does not matter, at least I can get the master degree, I still have chance. And I think if he can go to Shanghai after his graduation, that is a good choice, even better for his future. Our root is in China, no matter how I do not want to stay here forever. It is just one stop station of my life. It only means that I ever experience it. Just as I tell him life is fair when we get something we lose others at the same time. Maybe my friends admire me just because I am abroad now, but they do not know I do admire them too, especially those who have married and even have heir lovely baby, which are the things that I cannot get.


40.

I think he should ever see the movie Forrest Gump, who is a fool in most people's eyes. But he does believe in two persons' words. One is his mother, who always says something that Forrest can understand, such as "Life is just like a box of chocolate, you will never know what will be for the next time." His girl friend wants him to run, and he persists in it, always run, run through the football stadium, run through the field of Vietnam war, in the end he continues running for more than three years for no reason. Maybe running is the only talent that he ever gets. With it he obtains not only fame and glory but also love in the end. Perseverance means success, Forrest Gump achieves many things that common people cannot do, just because we are often attracted or allured by something. As for Gump he is silly but he does know what he wants to do, just as he ever tells Jenny, his future girl friend, "I am not clever but I do know what is love." That is enough.


41.

As to Jenny, she is the symbol of the generation born after the Second World War. In 1960s, it is their golden time. Some people say they are the lost generation, some say they are counter-culture generation, no matter how to name them they are the generation completely different from their parents. They like rock music, drug, sex, and indulge themselves in personal enjoyment. Beetles' songs and Ginsberg's novels are their spiritual support. Jenny is one of them. Maybe Jenny has her own dream, to be a popular singer, but from the movie we say she has to sing in the club, has to move from one city to another one. Although she ever makes effort, the result is failure; of course it is the arrangement of the director, just reflect the common people's fate.

But as we know, Jenny is a good girl, she is born in an unlucky environment. She even hates her drunken father, maybe that is the reason she is kind to little Gump. But she knows sympathy is not love, she wants to pursue the life that she dreams of. Until one day when she is tired and stands on the veranda of a skyscraper, she feels regretful for what she has done. But she still does not know if she really loves Gump, although she does know Gump loves her. Maybe just to test her own emotion, not Gump's, she chooses to leave Gump and bring up their son independently. She has a common life to be the waitress. She collects the news about Gump's whereabouts. It is a long distance running to Gump, but it is long emotion march for Jenny, too. In the end she comes back to the side of Gump, like most youngsters ever do in her generation, coming back to the mainstream society. They just lose their spiritual support: John Lennon is assassinated, Ginsburg cannot write good works, and Jenny comes back to the one who really loves her. Although it is difficult to say which aspect that Jenny likes Gump, but after experiencing so many things, there is no reason for her to leave Gump again, no matter for herself, for little Gump or for Gump.

Life is simple, just because we live in it, we cannot go out so we say it is complex. Jenny's life is a circle. She comes back to the point that she begins.


42.

I do agree with his opinion about going abroad. Last spring festival I did not spend with my family members, either. On the first place I have to prepare for my defense of dissertation, but maybe the most important reason is that I have to keep in contact with the schools that I have sent my applications to. As I ever tell him, during my spare time I get some money by teaching, it is about Rmb10000 within three years. But I never buy anything special for my parents, so I am a little regretful now. What I can do is just telephone to them every one or two weeks.

As he knows the process of going abroad is time-taking and money-consuming. He have to buy the books for tests, pay the fee for TOEFL and GRE, pay the application fee to the schools that you want to study in, and you have to mail all kinds of application materials to the schools. Just as he ever say he is proud of himself because he can support himself, so am I. I spent all the money I earned on myself. I do not want to use my parents' money, because I do not know if I can make success in future, so I even do not let them know that I am preparing for going abroad. I beak the news until the day I receive the first accepting letter. I feel very excited that day, I cried, I have not cried for a long time. Then in the following two months I just finish my dissertation and pass the defense. After I get the certification for master degree, I fly to Beijing to get my visa, it is in late of July, up to then I have not come back home for one and half a year.

When I prepare for the traveling fare and pack the luggage to go abroad, I have to accept the money my parents give to me, they are just common civilian in China, no much money. This year they spent almost all of their savings. I took the savings that my parents prepared for my marriage. But maybe I will make them disappointed this time. I will never want to go out to find a girlfriend. Although there are several girls are kind to me during my undergraduate and graduate periods, someone even tell me directly that the girl who will marry to me will be happy. I think she says something true partly, I will make the guy that I really love happy.

I know he is a nice boy, I am a little conservative, and I have not the ability to judge others, I need him to be the judge to give me a mirror of myself. I have traveled lonely for 24 years. It is time to find a life-long friend or spouse. He does have his own traits. I like it. As to myself I don't think I am a good-looking man, but I do know I am a good man. I do wish one or two years later when I get off the airplane there is someone waiting for me in the dawn dust, then I can have a good memory left like him. Life is fair. Maybe I am the one he really wants to find. Wish he can cherish it, of course so am I. As to the lawyer qualification test, I think we should know no one could avoid making mistakes or failing to do something, although we should not stop efforts just because we know it. In my opinion passing the qualification test maybe is more important than preparing for going abroad, few people can do two things the same well at the same time, therefore I wish he could arrange his time reasonable.


43.

第二天，他想来想去，最后决定用中文来回复：

收到你的信真得觉得心里很安慰。在人最失意的时候，能够得到别人的建 议和关心，是件很开心的事，至少可以叫我忘记暂时的伤痛，去静下心来 考虑以后的打算。读了你的经历，我明白了每个人的成功之路都是充满艰 辛的，而且你的确是一个十分坚强的人，这一点我不得不佩服。其实，我 提到过的朋友，他并没有太多吸引我的地方，如果有就是因为他是一个好 人。现在回想起来过去的失败，是因为我对爱太过盲目。爱一个人并没有 错，错的是爱并不能代表一切。很可能我在过去的一年中太在乎爱情了， 过份的关注以致于忽视了其他的事情，比如学业和父母，还有其他的同学 ，朋友。当一切失去的时候，才发现原来伤得如此之深。所以，从这些经 历当中，我真的学会了很多东西。

这几天北京一直有雾，我的心情也时好时坏，想睡得时候总是睡不着，醒 来时觉得很是孤单，又忍不住回想起曾经的失败。呵呵，虽然我表面上很 开朗，很快乐，却不能掩饰内心的空虚和脆弱。于是，我很努力地去学习 、工作，希望通过学业上的成功来使自己得到安慰。你可以想像，一旦这 个目标没有实现，我真得会倒下去。我是个多愁善感的人，呵呵，熟悉我 的人都会这么讲，朋友们说我对事情太过认真，对人太过实在，我想这并 不是什么缺点，关键在于我该怎样去适当地发挥它们来实现理想中的成功 。谈到你的毅力，我从心底里佩服。我是那种需要别人关心的人，在失意 的时候需要与别人交流的人。而你，在出国之路上，完全是一个人背负了 所有的压力，默默地消化，积淀之后灿烂地展现出来，这不是运气两个字 就可以说明的。我想，在这一点上你比我优秀得多。我们已经长大了，应 该照顾好自己的父母，但是用什么样的方式呢？你我现在多少都有些内疚 ，觉得对父母关心甚少，其实他们真正需要的，就是我们的成功。而且我 一直相信，父母都是希望自己的子女幸福快乐的，虽然有些事情起初他们 无法接受，但社会在发展，时代在改变，人的观念也发生着细微地变化， 他们会明白的。因为，我很乐观地看到未来的希望。现在，我们应该静下 心来做好学业，这是未来的资本。你说是吗？

我想，我会慢慢地变成你的镜子，叫你知道你在别人眼中是怎样的人。但 现在似乎不太可能，因为了解一个人应该是全方面的。现在的我除了知道 你的优点之外，并没有发现你有什么不好的地方呀！呵呵，这不是开玩笑 ，是认真的。我读到了你的很多思想，体会出你内心的感受，这只是你的 一部分，相信你对我的认识也是这样的。我当初一个人跑到上海去寻找爱 情，多少有点冲动，但更多地是过于理想化地想像一个人。现在，我不会 再这样啦，当然我也不会把你想成一个大坏蛋哦，嘻嘻。而且，不管你是 否相信，当一个人有太多的成功时，这会掩盖掉他所有的不足，在别人眼 中他都是那样的完美，所以他自己为了维持这种形象会付出很多，承担太 多的压力，他其实活得并不容易。人们在分享他成功的喜悦时，理应看到 他辛苦的一面，可惜，现在这样的人太少了。我也很希望听到别人对自己 的指正，他们才是真正的朋友，更重要的是，我们本身需要调整自己的不 足。一个人发现不了自己的缺点是可怕的，而发现之后却无法改变岂不是 更可怕？有时候，我就有这种体会。常常在心里问：是不是自己已经丧失 斗志？其实，每个人的天赋不会相差太多，之所以日后的路各不相同，就 在于他们自己的把握，因此，我想听到你的鼓励，使我有信心面对挑战和 困难，我也希望能够给你带去奋进的动力，孤身一人在外，特别是在一个 陌生的环境中，仅靠自己是不行的，朋友的支持是关键的一步。真正的爱 情并不总是轰轰烈烈的，爱的价值就在于它的平凡和真实，我相信我可以 做到这点。

我会不会成为那个在机场等你的人呢？这个问题需要你自己来回答。你应 该学会选择和比较，去发现你周围优秀的人，不要把眼光局限在小的圈子 之内。我的同学在得知我律考失利之后曾经这样说我：“你其实并不笨， 问题在于你自己的心理。平时你的精神状态和水平都很出色，可是为什么 到了关键时候会掉链子呢？原因在于你给了自己太多的压力，还是试着平 静地面对挑战吧。如果你不能克服这个缺点，这对你将来的事业是没有什 么好处的。”他说的很对，明年我就会去他的律所里实习，在我提高业务 素质的同时，他会帮我调整好心态。我真得很感谢这些同学，他们使我看 到了自己，也使我明白，一个人的力量是多么的微不足道，真得不能孤立 自己，要多多和别人接触。这是我近来的一点心得。

能够读到你的信，是我每天都很开心的事，它会激励我去努力地面对生活。

就聊这么多吧，也祝你同样开心！



(to be continued)