第五章、伤逝

35.

During those days he is in low mood and feels totally depressed because he didn't pass the lawyer's qualification exam. He thinks he is a loser this year, it seems that all is gone although he tries his best to save them, his love, his study and his money, he really catches nothing this year except hurt and disappointment.

He wants to mention his former bf that I ever asked him before. He thinks it is maybe a good start to tell his feelings now. Well, as he writes on the Ad, he finds his first bf when he began to touch Internet last winter. After a three-month-chat, he decided to go to Shanghai to meet this guy, just chasing his dreaming love. He is not a careless boy and he has his own principle for life---treat everything honestly, do it carefully, of course including his attitude towards love. Then he and his bf met on a dawn at Shanghai railway station after his one-night-travel from Beijing. It's really a sweet memory when he recalls that scene now, and he does devote his all to him. At that time, he didn't get a part-time job, all the costs of travel origin from his parents. he'd never accept the guy's money because he always wanted to be an independent person. He has been to Shanghai several times during that semester, what's more, he flew to him on the first day of his winter holiday and stayed in his house for nearly one month. It's the first time that he spent his spring festival outside his own family, just for his love. He thought that's the milestone of his love because during the next semester, the guy in Shanghai became cool to him, he didn't know the exact reason and he never told him, too. The guy always said he is a lazy guy and cared little about life, he wanted everything to be natural. But he knew that must be something happened to their love. He wanted to find the reasons, but he could do nothing except guessing. Until one Friday night when he called to the guy at 11:00, no one was there responded to him. Later the guy explained to him that he went to one of his net friend's home and stayed there that night, and also described they were just normal friends. It's a great shock for him, he felt sad about him yet he still had his confidence in him.


36.

He didn't go home that summer, looked for a part-time job as an editor of a web site, his work was editing an article, and he worked hard for that. One reason was that he could afford himself for the new term, the other reason, which maybe the most important one, was that he could meet the guy in Beijing when the guy got free time. After his work finished, he got RMB4000,the highest salary he had ever received. When the guy arrived in Beijing, he bought 2 tickets with his own money, and they went to see Wangfei's personal singing show held in Beijing that night. On the way to hotel, he mentioned the thing of his net-friend and finally they quarreled. When the guy got on the train, he didn't see him off as usual, only sat in the lobby with tears off his face. Then he got on another train to his hometown that night.

When he stepped on the land of his hometown, it's already morning. He saw his mother standing at the gate of his apartment waiting for him. He pretended to be happy and hugged her, then greeted his father and told them his great experience as an web-site-word-editor. After breakfast, he invited his mother for shopping to buy her some presents for her coming birthday. When he paid for her shoes, she couldn't conceal her happiness inside and chatted with the saleswomen about her proud son. He was glad to see that, really glad. And then they searched all the shops for other things until noon, for he wanted his parents happy forever. Of course, he phoned to the guy in Shanghai, who sounded a bit depressed, and no more words. Then before the National Day, the guy invited him there for another personal singing show of Coco lee, who is his idol. He accepted his kindness. That's the end of his story when he stepped on the back-train to Beijing. The guy didn't tell him what he wanted to do for their future. He just guessed all the things because he gave him no answer when he asked him for that.


37.

At that time, it's just 20 days away from the lawyer's qualification exam. Although he phoned him many times, the guy made no essence answer. He still remember one of his words:" If you can't pass the lawyer's exam this year, I do want to keep silent for one year to make your heart calm down for study, and I will support your study as well as your career forever". So on the night before the exam, He became sleepless because no phone call came from that guy, and what's more he always remembered the words he ever told him. Then at the first exam, a strange accident happened. He finished all the questions within 2 hours, and there was 1 hour left to cope with the answer sheet. It's just 100 answers that he should marked on the sheet, but his pencil broke 3 times during that course, he was too nervous to fill all the blank in, until the end of exam with 15 points left. Now he knows that is the very points he need to pass that year's exam. When He told the guy this accident he had never met since the answer-sheet exam had been used, the guy said nothing except some useless words. One night they met each other by chance on net, when facing his constant questions about what's wrong with this kind of love. That guy tried to avoid the direct answers and after a 10-minute science the words on the screen said coldly:" you are really boring!!!" By then, his heart was totally broken, blood bleeding out and tears off. He knew it is time to contemplate his future with that guy, he needs help and advice from others. Then he wrote his ad on the web site to seek his future love. He was a bit confused for him, for their love, for the fatal hurt he suffered in his budding romance. Several days later, one of his net-friend who ever chatted with him for a while disclosed the secret to him: his former BF had a new guy two month ago. He thought he should have known that earlier, but... Now, he can't walk out of that shadow, he falls in again. As I ever tell him one maybe get something else at the same time when he loses something. Yes, he does believe in it, because he meets me, a friend like me who can give him helpful advice and comfort when he is weak and sad. He does want some encouragement from me.


38.

He tells me at the same time that the last secret of me, my location is exposed to him, it feels like an end of the short-period mail story. His intuition gives him that answer. He knows the way to go abroad is so tedious that most people can't keep their perseverance on to the final success, it's a course with the full consumption of both energy and money, also the result is always out of one's expectation. Anyway he will pick up the old dream again, partly because I am here as his elder brother, more accurately, as his dream lover. He will work hard for that aim. One thing still disturbing him is the problem of his major. If he still chooses law as his further goal, it will be harder to succeed because even to the Native American that major is not easily accessed.

All these questions tangled in his mind frequently. Yes, we do own our rights to select lift, but that also means we have to make some tiresome decisions to realize our dream, just like a mother suffers great pain before she finally sees her lovely baby. Everyone will experience such kind of choice from a dilemma from time to time. Now he is facing it.

In another boring night, he was a bit disappointed. That's a strange feeling of being lost in a jungle. So he surfed on the net as he used to do, first read the news and finally entered a chat-room. The people there were busy joking with each other. He was a stander-by, only saw those rolling words on screen and shared the feelings with them. All was natural until he felt drowsy. Then he went back to dorm and climbed up the bed to his dreamland. He knows that I am a self-adapted person as I ever told him before, yes he has this ability too, but the course of the self-digest is really suffering. At that moment, he does hope someone could give him a warm hug or put a sweet candy into his mouth, or sing him a melodic song. It seems like caring for a baby? Maybe he is a baby at that time. So, he knows the real distance between us, the distance measured both by geography and social class. He thinks he is telling me the truth, if I do want to go out, there will be some excellent good boys in the overseas-student cycle around my neighborhood, we are at the same start-line for love. No matter how he wants to learn more from me, including some instructions on life and studies, because exchanging ideas is the course of another kind of study.



(to be continued)