第四章、猜心(3)

29.

After he reads all the letters that I write to him again, he finds a vivid record of our inner changes about feelings, but at the same time he feels a bit confused about the one that I send to him this time. The first question is about the "first episode and the second one" I ever mentioned. He can't catch the exact meaning of my mind, and he requires me do him a favor to explain it in details? The second confusion is about the location of me. When he sends me the mail last time, a strange idea splashed into his brain suddenly which gave him an obscure awareness that maybe I am abroad. Because he thinks my English was perfectly well as a non-English-major student, it's the true feeling that he ever got. He holds the opinion that sometimes the location is not that important for friends or lovers, as well as we an keep each other inside, giving the opposite person the fixed position, the power can span the wide ocean and air until it reaches the destination. Of course he does not hope we are in the same schoolyards, too. The last question is my description about several careful attempts to come out. He can read my mind of that choice especially when I make some meaningful decisions that maybe the milestone of my life. Certainly, to be careful is right. Every one has the right to select his life. And the God loves those who are modest as well as diligent.


30.

I really do not know how to express my feeling when I know that he guesses where I am now, but I still want him to give me a clear explanation about his conclusion that I am abroad. His major is law, so that every judgment he makes should be based on facts not just on subjective imagination. He should know that in future maybe he is responsible for the lives and the properties of others. Although sometimes the first impression is important but that is not enough, the lawyer need to find more facts to support his judgment. As a result, I cannot answer his second question now, I want him to provide me proof first, and I want to know the future lawyer's analytical ability. As far as his first question is concerned, I still have no fixed answer, on most occasions I only write something by my emotion and I am forgetful recently, cannot remember something after writing it. On the other hand, just as he says in his third question, both of us are free now, we have the right to choose our future, including our lovers. But no matter how I do agree with his opinion that location is not that important to lovers, as long as we really love someone we can conquer any difficulties together.

I think maybe he still feels confused now, to tell the truth, I am a little confused about myself too, have to face the conflict between sense and sensibility, I do not know who will win. No matter how I think I have no secret to him, it is fair, he ever tells me my photo is the last secret to him, as to me, it is my location. Now we stand at the same starting line. But I do want to know his plan for the future (and of course he should consider me) first. then I will tell him mine. No matter how I think he is clever and will be a good lawyer in future.


31.

He does think that he is sensible before he comes to a conclusion, which is related to his major. His major requires him of that quality. But it also gives him certain space to imagine, or else there will be no great policeman or judge in the world especially for some complicated cases with little evidence to show the murder. It is just a flashing idea in his brain to conclude that I am abroad. Even if I am domestic now, he thinks I will go abroad sooner or later, if I want to achieve brilliant progress in future, being abroad should be a better choice. So no matter how he thinks that he is partly right at least. And just because the questions from each other can't meet the very need of us, so we both feel confused now. Yes, sense and sensibility will be contradictory brothers forever. It doesn't mean we can trust our feelings sometimes. Sometimes too more careful contemplation will lead to a fog of confusion, at least he thinks so.


32.

He would like to tell me his future plans for his life and his logic about love. First, he will go to the cities in south of China after his graduation, Shanghai is his favorite destination. He prefers both natural and social surroundings there. The key factor is that it will afford him more chances to success and he can also learn a lot from such dynamic city to keep the pace with the modern life. His major is law, it requires him owning the ability to absorb the new information from the outside world and communicate with strangers, including his clients, so maybe his living habit is a bit different from mine. As he ever mentioned, one of his hobbies is to go out with his good friends, shopping, fishing, joking, partying or drinking, he likes the atmosphere that way, partly because he regards friends as his best treasure. As for the lover, his most important "friend", his logic maybe a little ridiculous as some of his net friends pointed to him: Why do we work hard without a rest all day long? We want success. Yes, why do we run for success? We like a better life. What's a better life we dreamed? To live in a big and bright house, have enough money at least for dinner, have a high social status and a family with love. Then with the care of love one can attribute a lot to the people around as well as the whole society, by which one can realize his personal and social value. That's his logic about life. He wants his lover, including his parents to share his success in career with him. And parents only accompany us part of life, but the lover is quite different. He is a person who can live with you the whole life, care about everything of you if he is the real lover, and that's the motivation and spring of career progress. To those who just succeed in career but with no people he loved or loving him around is really tragic, because they lose the precious experience of human being as the emotional animal, that's not a complete life. His plan to future life is simple, just find a lover, wants to make him happy, gives him a comfortable life, of course he must be an independent and competent person in society, because everybody is equal.


33.

After I know his thinking about his future plan, I tell him directly that I do not want to shoot around the bushes any longer, to tell the truth, I am in USA now, just come here in this August. it is really like a dream, before I come to consciousness I am far away from my parents, my hometown. But before I have time to enjoy the happiness of success, I am trapped in the well of loneliness and homesick. In fact I am an independent person, I can take good care of my life without other's aid, but I do not know the exact reason, just feel lonely since I come here. That is the reason I often go to some web sites and then happen to find his personal advertisement. I do not think I go to the wrong place and send the email to the wrong person, we do have something in common. But I still do not know if it is real love, which needs time to prove.

On the whole, I have the similar thought about my life with his. I do often ask myself what is the real meaning of life, my answer to it is happiness. But I prefer the feeling of inner heart. I do not have to have much money. I only want to have a peaceful life, and a man can accompany me through my life. Maybe I am a little conservative, but I do not refuse happiness, if I feel happy I can do anything, no matter it is traveling or dancing or something else, I am not a rigid person, I know how to enjoy my life.


34.

In fact he thinks it's not out of his expectation that I am abroad, and sometimes the sixth sense does work, but he just partly believes that, the main judgment comes from his sensibility and logic. He believes it's a bright future for both my major and my life to be abroad. He always rethinks his life these days, too. What are the most important things that he should do now? He prefers love, yet the love without economic basis is a fantasy. He ever wants to pursue his future abroad, which is a former plan of his past dream. Now he would like to pick it up for a second thought, to decide his way tomorrow. Only when a person has the free right to choose his life he can select his love at the same time, he always thinks so.

He guesses my location from the reasons as follows: First, it is my fluent English as a non-English major student. Second, it is the presentation once I ever mentioned to give to my professor and classmates, he knows only in Western countries the word "presentation" is used with both oral words and computer demonstration, in China, "speech" is the common word. Third, my degree and my major as well as my personal experience give him a proper imagination to see I am abroad. Fourth, it is the mail time indicated in his e-mail box. The Last reason is his x-rayed eyes to read people's mind by his sixth sense and sensibility.

He does realize that he wastes some time during the past years. But it's not too late to correct that mistake. He used to be the person who will give up everything for love. Now, the experience with his former bf proves his childish belief to be wrong, maybe he doesn't meet the very person who deserves his love in his budding romance is another factor.



(to be continued)