第三章、猜心(2)

20.

In those days he is busy with one article and have to endure the hungry without lunch and terribly cold without warmer in his tutor's office. But he feels very glad because he completes his ten thousand word long article in the end. And what is more my mail does bring a gentle comfort on his dumb body when he reads it in the net-bar. He is a sensible boy, and feels a little confused about my description of myself. Although he thinks I am a simple boy, he still has no impression of my age and status, so he asks me to inform him in the next mail. So that he can have a general description of me---a so-called "old" student in debt, or a handsome boy which can make all people faint, or a wordless charming teacher only communicating with my lovely instruments? He wishes that I will not run into rage for his joke because he wants his body to be well kept before I can throw him into hell!!!

21.

He knows my dream of future life, simple and real, but the exact meaning depends on the understanding of myself. He thinks that I am the kind of people who need tender care from my lover, and a boy with sensitive mind will be my dream-lover. I even won't consider too much about my lover's appearance, his hobbies, his abilities to survive in society and his attitudes towards life. He can agree me with only part of that opinion. Every one has the right to select his own life, as he ever mentioned in the former mails, so don't be too strict to yourself, give yourself a beautiful dream, then work hard for that to make it come true.

He dreams of his future bf to be a good-looking boy, elder than him (22-26 will be preferred), taller than him (175cm above), no female personality, independent from parents (of course he means he should love his parents and relatives first), and and and, too much!! Maybe he is dreaming, but sometimes we need daydreaming. The most wanted-thing he wants to do with his bf besides loving on bed is that they can live together happily. When they walk on the street they can arm in arm to show that they are brave, to prove that they are their own master of life.


22.

As to the debt that I mentioned owned to my parents, he can totally read that. He loves his parents, too. As the unique boy in this family, he used them a lot of money on his way to be independent. But he does not think only in future we can pay back because we have such ability now. It's really easy, just a phone-call, a letter, or a box of moon-cakes and a card on middle-autumn festival. He often does that to his parents, to tell them that he loves them though he dislikes a marriage in future (but he likes that with his bf, xixi). We do know what that means to parents. He always believes child and parents can be good friends despite the different roles in family because we are people with abundant feelings. The love-debt can never be paid off, but we can do something for our beloved parents right now. As for the money, he can afford himself and relieve his parents from the economic burden. That's his success as a student. Of course the good-mark on major is the most important gift to parents. On the whole he works hard for his future in Shanghai, and also his lovely bf in dream.

He has his photo scanned, and wants my opinion about it. But he is afraid of being refused by me because that's the last secret. Before the man comes out from the closet, the others can describe him as they will, but once he appears all the imaginations are fixed, so people can speak out the real feeling, he thinks things go in that way. Therefore, he asks my photo first no matter whether I like it or not, frankly speaking, he wants to see me now. And he wishes that I would not beat him when I know it!!!


23.

I feel glad when I read his letter. It seems that I am only one step away from my happiness. First I apologize that I make him confused, but I promise that what I tell him is all the truth, I am an honest boy. My mother often reminds me that I am a little silly, when I go into society, maybe others will hurt me. But I am not regretful. I still believe honesty is the best property of a person.

However I still think it is necessary to tell him my experience in detail. I was born in 1976, it is a tragic but hopeful year, Chinese people suffer from the earthquake and the pass-away of their loved leaders, but at the same time, they get rid of the black goats. I have no too much impression of my childhood. I can only get some obscure impression from the old photos. I remember my grandma ever wants me to take photos, but I am reluctant to, so she has to put the cookies in my hands. Now every time when I see the cookies in my hands, I will think the ugly appearance of myself.


24.

I go to school a little early than the other boys, so I am always the youngest one in the classroom up to now. From elementary school to junior high school, I am the monitor. There is no special reason, just that I study well. So I think during that period, I am active too. But since I go into senior high school, I don't do any "social work" any more, becoming more and more silent. But on the whole, I have the normal childhood, now I still would like to recall the past golden time. I am naughty, and like playing with others, I even play cards with my classmates on the way home, and ever forget to take the test once. But it does not matter, as long as you perform well in test, everything else is nothing.

Then in 1993, I go to college, to tell the truth, the school is not that well. But it does not matter too, I believe in personal struggling, as long as you are the gold you can glisten at any place. After graduation I pursue the master degree in the same school. In the fall I get the master degree there. Just as I ever told him, I have not prepared well to go into the society, so I transfer to another school, far away from my hometown, to get the PhD, so now I am a candidate for Ph.D.


25.

I think I am an old student now. This year is the 19th year that I stay at school, maybe I still have to spend more than three or four years to get the PhD, up to then, at least I will have stayed in school for 22 or 23 years. Sometimes I really think whether I can do any other things besides studying. In the past years I just do what most common people want to do, try to get higher degree. But now when I come to another critical point of a person's life, there is a deviation to me. I do not want to marry as other boys do. In the past years I pass every hurdle that is in my way, now I come to one that I never think I can pass, which is like a steep mountain, be so heavy on my mind. What is more it is a pole that I never want to pass, I lose my aim and do not know where I will go now.

As for the standards of choosing my future bf, to tell the truth, I have not a clear picture. Of course, everyone wishes his lover excellent in everything. But just as we all know, the god is fair, no one can get much more from him, at the time when you get something, you lose others in another aspect. I am not too picky to the appearance, if let me compare look and personality, I prefer the latter. That's my favorite one! If you say: "looks don't matter", I think you're a liar. So the ratio of look and personality that I will put is 49:51.

I do not know if I satisfy all his requirements. I am 1.75m, just the same height as he. But I am not sure if I will be higher than him, because he is two years younger than I, and 24 is the deadline for a boy to grow up. So he still has chance to be taller than I. As for my hobby, I think I am a normal boy, I like everything that common boys prefer, such as sport games, dance etc, of course except for marriage with girls. I do not know if I have some bad hobbies, I do not smoke, never, and to break a piece of news, I Just telephoned to my parents yesterday, my mother tells me happily that my father gives up smoking, I feel glad, too. I can not remember how many times my mother ever persuaded my father to give up smoking, but I do know that she has no any other complains now. I have not the appetite to drink the wine, certainly if it is needed I do not refuse red wine and beer. I ever attended the wedding ceremony of my classmates, and of course I should not refuse the wedding wine.


26.

Several days ago, I ever watched a TV play. It is about a young man, whose mother loves him very much, she is always afraid that others will hurt him, so she teaches him how to speak but forbid him to speak with strangers, teaches him how to walk but do not permit him to go out of room. Every day what the boy does is just standing beside the window, looking out of it, seeing the other children playing outside, staring at the sun rise and sun set, watching the passing cars and passengers. Although he never leaves his home, he is talented, and a gifted artist. Until one day a girl goes into his life, his calm life is broken. He falls in love with the girl, who is a doctor. The girl likes him too. She is attracted by his innocence, vulnerability, and pureness and loves him from their first sight. According to a physical examination one day, it is found that there is a big tumor in the young man's head, if it is removed by operation, the young man might lose his eyesight. Then he can never look out of the window, which is the only bridge that connects him with the outside world. But he does know that the girl will open another window in his mind, will accompany him to spend the years ahead. I do not know the end of the story yet, but I want his opinion about the story.

In the end I am glad to send him my photo, although I am not so sure of my appearance, I do feel confident of my personality. Of course I will not beat him, first I never fight with others since I am 15 years old, on the other hand, we are so far away from each other. But I tell him that maybe when we have the chance to meet I will let him pay off the debt. Of course he can find another way to make up for it.


27.

He is satisfied with my photo, and tells me that he finds a handsome boy in the attachment of his mailbox. And he thinks me not so introvert as my own description, looks full of confidence. And of course he does not think that I am really a silly person as I ever call myself. He always believes that the silly person is the brightest one, because it is the perfect combination of sense and luck. To those who are too bright, they are more self-confident and always think about the things beyond the span of their ability with their limited sense, on the other hand to those who are too stupid they lose the sparks of cleverness, can not tell the difference between right and wrong, As a result, they can not grasp the chance even falling to their laps. Therefore, the best combination is such kind of person, they look silly but own the cleverness in their mind. He thinks I am such kind of person. （你真是有点傻傻的吗? 不会吧，我一向认 为silly的人是最聪明的人了，因为这是理 智与运气的完美结合，过于聪慧的人太过自信，把本来不属于自己能力范 围内的东西也用有限的理性去思考，而过于笨拙的人由于失去了智慧的光 芒，往往分不清是非，把握不住机遇，所以机灵中不乏糊涂是最好不过的 了。）

As to the movie that I mentioned to him, he just said that he did not see it, maybe it is a western philosophy movie, which gives us an adage, when we face such kind of choice, what standard will we take? As to this question, it is difficult to answer, after all every one has different living experience.


28.

The next day I receive his photo, too. And I laugh at him that if he is a little worried about my age and look before he receives my photo, then after he sees it, he shouts loudly, or my god, It is not an uncle, just a brother.

At first sight, I think he looks like the boy in my neighborhood, just like myself, a common guy. In fact I only think myself a common one, maybe in real life I am not as good as the one on the photo. And I think he is right, after we see each other's photo, there is no mysterious atmosphere around us. Maybe it is time to end the first episode and to begin the second one. As to the place where I am, I promise that I will tell him later, but not now, just to keep a little mysterious, I wish he could forgive me.

I just find I am a little like the young boy in the movie that I mentioned to him, in the past 24 years I kept myself in a cage, just watch, think, maybe dream sometimes. In my inner world, I am free, at least I think so. I can keep balance by myself, do what I think is right. Living in my own world, I feel safe. If I do not go out, no one can hurt me. But now when I decide to go out from it, I am a little worried. You know, I will get rid of the one that I am familiar with and go into a strange and full of all kinds of allures surrounding. I am not so confident to myself now. I wish he could understand me.

The kind of life that I always dream of is just to love a man in my mind, do the dream that I can get him one day. Just for the dream, I put myself in a cage in the past years, I am not a sociable boy, have few friends, do not want to talk something with others, just endure it by myself. Sometimes I do want to keep the secret to the day when I pass away. Then no one will feel sorrow for me, in my parents' eyes, I am always their loved son and they will feel proud of me and praise me to others. But I know that is just an un-practical dream, you can deny your identity in others' eyes, but you cannot deny it in your own mind, you cannot cheat yourself. So I decide to open my door and be cautious to welcome my future life now. I will never regret for what I have not done or what I have done before, but I do want to break a new life now. Maybe it is not as beautiful as the description in the fairy story, I do want to try.



(to be continued)