第二章、猜心(1)

8.

I like rainy days, while he likes sunny ones. You can see the difference between our characters from it. I remember I ever got one lucky cookie when I went to a Chinese buffet. It said the clever people know everything, but the shrewd person knows everyone. I do not think I am a clever person, but I do know I am not a shrewd one, so I have a good reason to tell him that I cannot catch his character well. Maybe it is related to our different majors. My major is science. His is art. So he does know much about me from our communication, even knows my inner thinking. For example he ever told me that I am a sensitive boy towards feelings or love matters.

He said: "Well, how could I know that? Okay, I guess that by the story you told me --- you dare not look straight into the eyes of others, which proves your weakness and uniqueness --- you are the very boy, I can read you well. It seems that you are a strong-minded boy, treat things carefully no matter in study or work. You are so independent that you want to accomplish all things wonderfully by the efforts of yourself, which gives you great satisfaction although the course is boring and makes you exhausted, however you do enjoy that because it's also an efficient way to forget whom you are. To you, work is the most important thing in your life. Maybe I say the wrong words, but I still have the confidence in catching your personality, haha, just because I am the very boy too. I have the same ideas as you said in letter --- to bring the secret to the tomb, hide this never disclosed story to all. Yes, I really did that in my undergraduate life. But since I have met the net, found the small society that I belong to, I do admit my uniqueness. I want my life shining. You are afraid that the society would deny your identification as a gay. I CAN ENCOURAGE YOU: Do whatever you love to, with the premise that you are a winner in your career. Of course, keep vigilant and never lost in the fog of life."


9.

I did not deny that I am such kind of person as he described above. But recently, I cannot calm down. I always get disturbed by nothing. My life is a mess. I ever told him that maybe he was right --- I am a strong-minded person. I always want to keep independent and always set the bar to prevent others from going into my life. I like playing basketball, but in fact I only like playing it by myself, just shooting the ball into the basket. I like the feeling of seeing the ball into it. So you get the result: I know how to shoot the basket but I do not know how to cooperate with others. I think it is my weakness, not just on playground, but in the real life too. I am always timid, like a rabbit.

As all Chinese students in USA now, I spent almost all my time studying when I was in China, maybe that is the reason that I can get better grades in exams. But at the same time I lost something. The God is fair. No one can obtain everything, and of course no one will lose the whole world at the same time. Maybe that is the real life. Sometimes I find myself just like what the lyrics in "Romeo and Julie" say, "what is youth, what is the youth... I just like the clown standing in the center of the stage to the end of the play."


10.

When I studied in China, I was lazy. I seldom wrote letters, only several to my parents or friends in one semester. But since I knew him, I become more and more eager to write letters and of course also check e-mails more frequently. If one day I do not receive his letter, I will not be able to concentrate on other things. So I keep asking myself whether I like him now. I remember someone ever said that if you like talking with a guy, it means you gradually love him.

Time flies by quickly. Now it is the end of my first semester in USA. There are so many presentations and final tests to deal with, so during these days, I have to reduce the frequency of writing to him. I did not tell him the real reason, just said I am busy now and have many presentations to finish. I don't want him to know where I am. I don't know the exact reason, just don't want to tell him now. Maybe I am afraid of losing the good feelings between us.

He is busy too. He has to go to the law firm with his classmates to prepare for law cases or collect necessary information in library that will be used during their debate in court. This is the kind of life he likes and dreamed of.


11.

But even my simple answer caused his suspect to my identification. He thought my presentation to the teacher and graduate students sounds very interesting, and he took me as a tutor in university instead of being a student.

My first presentation goes on well. Just because my supervisor teaches this course, I spent much time on it and prepared it very well. Even now my researching direction was based on that presentation. After I finished it, I told him that I did well except for a little fast, just because I am not a good speaker, especially in public. But I thought he must be talkative, because as a future lawyer, he has to debate with his opponents in court. In the end I told him I considered him to be one of my good friends and asked him which line I stood in his mind.


12.

The next day he congratulated me on my wonderful presentation. But he was suspicious about my age and location. I ever told him I am an old student, and it seems that I can do nothing except for staying at school. He just made fun of me and told me that some of his classmates were already 38 years old. He should call them uncle or aunt if he was not their classmate. In fact, he called them brother or sister on most occasions. He thought I made a low value on myself if I think I can do nothing but stay at school. And he encouraged me that sometimes action is the powerful proof to find my golden characters. As to my question about which line I stood in his mind, he told me that it's a difficult question to answer by now. Of course, he regarded me as one of only a few friends to whom he could speak out his inner feelings, and he did learn a lot from me. But recently, he was still haunted by memories in the past with his ex boy friend. He couldn't release from that boring feeling, and he felt a little disturbed. Sometimes he drank, but every time he couldn't be drunk. Maybe only the inner heart can make people really faint.


13.

He is an easy going and talkative boy, no matter in Chinese or English. I can even hear his laughter every time when I receive his email. It makes me feel better, because just as I ever said before, I seldom feel happy these days and only feel my sky is gloomy. On the other hand, I wish I did not contaminate his feelings. Maybe my letter is kind of emotion pollution to him.

My major is science. It is difficult to say whether I like it or not. Now that I have studied it for so many years and spent so much time on it, it is hard for me to make another choice. But anyway, maybe it is fit for me. What I have to do every day is just dealing with all kinds of instruments. I don't have to do things that I don't like to.

He ever told me he and his first bf got to know each other in a chat-room, and he is afraid of repeating the same mistake. Well, I do know his feelings now, because we are both simple persons that once we put our hearts on something, we give all we have. The wound needs time to heal. But I think he can get rid of it better than I could. If such kind of things happen to me, maybe I will commit suicide. It is determined by our different characters. On the whole, he is more optimistic than I. I am a little passive.

I ever read some gay stories on web site. Although I do not believe they ever happened in the real world, I like some of them, especially the "First Year of Freshmen" written by Mr. Honest. I do believe everything that ends well is good.

I ever mentioned his first boy friend to him, asking him whether I could know more about his first emotional experience, because it was a true thing that had ever happened, not a made up one. Of course at the same time I told him that I did not want to touch his scar. If recalling makes him feel worse, I please his forgiveness and he does not have to answer me.


14.

The next day he felt happy that his letters could spot happiness and sunshine on my daily life. He is not an angel but a simple boy who treats everything carefully and devotedly no matter what will happen next. He benefits a lot from this perseverance, also suffers deeper pains from love. But he will never glance at the choice of suicide because he knows that life is the basic treasure to a person, with fresh air, clean water, beautiful flowers, imaginable luck all round. A meaningful life depends on ourselves. He even persuaded me never to catch such silly thought of giving up my precious life. He thought I might understand this conclusion if I did slip from the finger of death someday. In the end he told me that only those who penetrate into the essence of life can be winners.

He thought the optimistic and passive characters of us originated from that understanding too. He could share the pressure and gloomy air with me. It's not so-called emotion pollution. Listening to my inner voice was his honorable pleasure, because people only speak out these words to their most-trusted friends.


15.

I ever asked him whether he planned to study abroad. He told me that he wanted to consider that after he worked for a few years both for the accumulation of knowledge and social experience. The economy factor was also included. He didn't want his parents to pay him a lot for his life. It's time that he should pay back with his sincere heart, although he wouldn't get married for them. He just dreamed of a satisfying life with his own efforts, and making his parents feel happy too.

His major is a bit different from mine. It requires him to communicate with various people and deal with emergent matters that he has to cope with all the time. But no matter how he will never change his basic personal principles, such as honesty, modesty, diligence and hardworking. If he throws that away, he will be another person. He says my major gives me enough time to contemplate as I am doing experiments with instruments. Well, it's the same as the whole society. The only difference is the object, his is the people, more changeable and mine is science factor, more fixed and easy judged. He means that I should open myself more to the friends around, and he even encourages me to go out, whether I believe it or not, things go in that way.


16.

But he please me forgive that he does not want to pick up that painful memories gone with the wind, it's a really hurt to him. All he knows is that he does love his first bf from the bottom of his heart and devotes everything he could do to him. Unfortunately, the result is the fragile pieces of love. And he does want to find a new bf in future, his heart need tender cure from his lover when they can select a long-term relationship even the whole life. Always wandering in the past shadow only impacts dark influence on his soul because he has indulged into love so much. He just tries to walk his own way now, and he still believes his love is waiting for him ahead. In fact, he does regard me as few friends whom he wants to chat with. In spite of those beautiful novels on web he only trusts his own story, He takes himself as the pen, he will write it by his own hands and heart. But he promises me that he will tell me more about himself in the following days as we become to know each other gradually.


17.

Originally I want to comfort him, but in the end, it is he who makes me feel better. Although just as he says he is not the angel, he is the sunshine boy to me. I admit to him that I ever have the thought to commit suicide, but it is just like the splash, exist temporally. As he says, there are so many beautiful things around, especially I am in debt now. I have to pay off all my debts. First, I am in debt to my parents, not just for the money they have paid for me, what's more, it is the love they attribute to me, maybe I can never pay them off. To this question my logic is as follows: If living is kind of pain to myself, then I will choose death; if my death will bring pain to my parents, then I would rather choose living; If living is kind of pain to my parents, I still wish they can survive and accompany me much longer time. Their death is destined to bring sorrow to me, I only wish the day will come as late as possible. Even though they may pass away before I can, I still debt to others, maybe it is my future boy friend, I can not endure to make others especially those who love me to suffer for me, therefore, in the end no matter whether I like it or not I will live forever.


18.

Life is a soundless song. There is not unchanged melody. The fluctuation of a person's life is a natural thing. Or else, if it is just the same tone, we will feel bored, only the dead person's heart act in the shape of a straight line. And I think he is right, if someone really escapes from the finger of death, then he can know the value of life better, after all life is everything. I do have such kind of experience. I ever narrowly save my own life once. It was when I graduated from university, I went out to swim with my classmates in a lake, but you can not believe that I have just learned how to swim for less than 10 hours. I was drown in the lake. I asked for help, but it only made things worse, I was choked by water. I really had the feeling to the hell. Everything was swirling around me and I felt that I kept sinking. Just then, I came to my consciousness, I knew only myself could save my own life now. So I kept calm down, controlled the activity of my legs and hands. In the end, I saved myself. But since then, I am afraid of water, especially the moving water. I know I still cherish my life no matter it is for my parents or for myself. Now that I have tried my best to narrowly skip away from the death, I have no reason to give it away easily.


19.

I think he is a strong-minded person, he can pursue what he believes even in fog. So I do not have to worry about him. He knows how to forget his puppy love. I do admire him. And I ask him what kind of life does he want to have in future? Just as I ever told him, I am a simple person, I only want to have a simple life too. As long as when I return to my home, there is someone that I love waiting for me at the table, that is enough. I have no too high requirement to the material life, maybe it is just because I ever suffer from poverty. But I will not do what Scarlet ever did in Gone With The Wind, she ever swear that no matter at any cost, she will never suffer from hungry again. I tell him although I can not earn much now, I can afford myself, in the near future after I pay off what I get from my parents (maybe we can never pay off our parents) I can enjoy the labor fruit made by myself. Then I am free, really free. I am looking forward to the day to come soon.



(to be continued)