第一章、缘起

1.

I got to know him in a gloomy afternoon. Just because I had nothing to do, I came to a familiar web site. There I found his personal advertisement:

Winter comes around the corner again. It is in this very season last year that I began my first gay life with my bf found in a chat-room of www.gztz.org. I wish we could live together forever with sincere hearts and true love all around, but that's only a beautiful dream of a young boy myself. Those sweet memories have gone with the wind. Only shining fragments were left in my broken heart. The theme song of "Prince of Egypt" I still remember. The lyrics repeat: "There can be miracles when you believe. Though hope is frail, it is hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve, when you believe. Somehow you will, you will when you believe." Yes, I believe my true love will come, I believe in myself.

His introduction was kind of different from others, without the common description of his appearance, his hobbies and personalities. But from the sentences I read his difference. I did not know the exact reason, but I decided to write an answering letter to him.


2.

My first letter was as follows:

I do admire you, because you have the courage to step out. I am a little conservative, always staying in the cage I made for myself. I look forward to being loved by others but I am afraid of being refused by the society. It is a real dilemma.

I am a student too, two years older than you. From your Ad I know that you want to find a job in Shanghai, have you found one? In any case I wish you lucky and can find a good job.


3.

I received his reply very quickly because the Pacific Ocean between us lengthens the distance but shortens the time spanning between us:

I am very glad to read your mail. Yes, I do want to know some good friends during my life, especially those who will treat me kindly and honestly. I think friends are the most important treasure in the world because we can buy anything with money but hardly realize that for friendship or love. I try to forget those sad stories to hug my new life with laughter and joy. I want to know more about you such as your location, job, hobbies, if you like. Thanks for your reply and best wishes for my future. I still have one and a half years in the campus here, then I will try my best to find my way to Shanghai. The courage you mentioned I do have. Stepping out means nothing worse if you keep your faith and behavior as well as a calm heart to overcome the difficulties that may block ahead. I am a careful boy. I dislike those guys who just go out for fun of body touch and sex satisfaction. I dream for my true love and sincere friends.


4.

In the past several years I lived in a dilemma. I always want to come out but I am afraid that I will be refused by the society. I am just hesitating. But at the same time I do look forward to finding the guy I really love, so now I decide to come out and pursue what I was destined to have.

Since I named him after another guy that I wrote to in the same day, the next day I apologized to him. But he told me that "No apology for your careless mistake. All of us could do that sometimes. Maybe it's a good way to know new net-friends although we just consist of e-data and PC procedure. You should know one important thing: keep awake on your way to find your golden lover. Don't easily trust others, of course. No hasty for your dream because there is really something bad outside. I just learned that from the experience with my bf who lives in Shanghai now. I love him, but he just wants fun. I get hurt now because I devoted my everything to him, not only my body, but also the life treasure --- my pure love. It's a one-year story. Maybe it seems that I am a sophisticated boy. In fact, I am only 21 years old. Oh, one more thing: recognize the strong and weak points of your personality and keep confidence inside. Everyone has his own future."


5.

Gradually I found we do have something in common, especially in experience. When I first stood on the platform in a classroom, I was only 21 years old, the same age as he is now. Some of the students were even older than I. I think my students love me, maybe it is just because I love them, too. But please do not misunderstand, I knew how to maintain a teacher's respect, and of course I did not allure my students. They were still young and they had a bright future. I was a little shy that I seldom stared at students. But on the whole they like me, there was no generation gap between us.

I keep all the postcards that they sent to me. Sometimes it is the driving force for me to my life. When I feel sorrowful, I will take one out and read, which makes me feel better. For example one girl ever said, "handsome teacher: we feel you are excellent in most things. You are handsome, knowledgeable, kind to others. There is only one important shortcoming of you: you are always unwilling to look at others straightly. From now on, we wish you could show your big eyes to others. Then the girls in our class (certainly including other girls) will pay much attention to you. We are sure you will be much more handsome."


6.

Previously I never stepped out, just kept the secret to myself and prepared to bring it to the tomb. But now I feel it is difficult to endure the lonely life. I am a healthy person. I need someone's love. In the past two years, teaching was the happiest thing that I ever did. I do miss that good time. Maybe that is the reason I feel extremely lonely now after I moved to an all new environment. Before this fall I never wanted to talk with others by email. I could keep an inner balance by myself. I even decided to keep the secret to the end of my life, because as most of us know, there are many bad things outside. Some guys only want fun, not real love. I can not endure it. I don't have too many requirements for life, except finding the one who really loves me.

At first I decided to keep it to myself and wander around the world. But since this fall, since I left my hometown, since I left the environment that I have been familiar with, I feel extremely lonely, and I do want to find a harbor to rest upon. Although I am not regretful for what I have done and what I have not done in the past years, I do want to begin a brand new life, even though I know it is not the safe and sound road as what I have ever gone through before. I do want to pursue it now, which was destined to happen.


7.

He is a fan of commercial jet plane, loving all kinds of pictures and games about aviation, although he is an awkward player for FIGHT SIMULATOR. He even named his personal ID after it. When I got to know him, he was still a student pursuing a master
degree in Beijing. In his spare time he gave lessons to undergraduate students in his school. He loves his students and his students were all freshmen in university. Just like me, he could bear the teacher's status in mind and never flashed a gay-thought on the boys. He only tried his best to teach useful things that the students need. They enjoyed his vivid teaching method and regarded him as their best friend. He did hope he could give them some helpful advice when they were in trouble.

He built up good relationship with his students, too. Once he ever told me that, one night, right in the classroom, a student came up to the platform, gave him some cookies that he robbed from one of his female-classmates, and persuaded him to have one. After he happily put a piece into his mouth, all of them were relaxed. Ha, before the beginning of his next class, another student gave him a candy after he answered her questions. So, he had to declare that he would not accept gifts any longer, because there is a suspicion of bribery. Then he and his students all laughed.



(to be continued)